No More?

During my last pregnancy, my husband and I decided we would be done having kids. Two would be enough for us. Several times during the pregnancy (particularly during the all day long "morning sickness"), I told him if I ever talked about having a third child to remind me of all the times brushing my teeth made me gag or the sheer exhaustion I experienced or the number of other complaints I had. Yet here I am, 3 months postpartum, incredibly saddened by the fact that I may never have another child.

I'm a thinker. If I'm not actively engaged in an activity, my mind is working overtime. It frequently gets me into trouble. Rocking my daughter to sleep at night gives me plenty of time to mull the complexities of life. It is then that I often mourn the end of my child bearing experience. Will I never again carry a baby in my womb? Will I never feel those first little flutters? Will I never be kicked and punched in my vital organs from the inside? Will I never wake up 20 times a night to readjust my growing abdomen or go to the bathroom (at least before I'm 80)?

Logically I know we're at a good stopping point. We have two beautiful, healthy children who are full of life and personality. We are truly blessed. As enamored as I am with my family and my life, I am saddened to think that I am done having children. I'm 30. I should be ok with it. But I'm not. I feel too young to be done.

My husband is 100% ok with being done having children. He shuts me down before I can even mention having a third child. Threats of him getting a vasectomy are usually involved. I don't feel there is anything missing in our family. I honestly can't explain these feelings that I'm having. Perhaps they will slowly fade as my children grow. Perhaps I would feel this way after having 10 kids if I knew it was my last. Perhaps it's a touch of post partum depression. I do know I hate this feeling. Please tell me I'm not alone!

I think a little snuggle time with my 2 blessings is in order!


Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

No,you're not alone. I personally KNEW when I was done. And it was at three. At two I was like you, THINKING I was done, and well, now we have Emma. ;-) When you're done, you'll know. (You can probably talk your husband into it--I did!)

Christie O. said...

oh my goodness, let me first tell you, you are definitely NOT alone! it's so funny how with all of the yuck we go through and how much we hate it at the time, we still miss it, isn't it?? it's because it is a means to a beautiful end and oh aren't those little ends so beautiful? I know just what you mean. i have a two year old and a 9 month old, and while we're not planning on having a third anytime soon, we've left the option open. but my argument has always been, "not until the youngest is a fully functional human being!" or around 2 or 3 years old. because when my oldest was 19 months and i had a newborn, i thought i was going to die! but in hindsight it wasn't so bad because it went so quickly. i mean, he's 9 months already!!!! where does it go? i don't know if it would be any different after 2 or 10 kids, because i remember my mom telling me she cried when she went through "the change" and her two girls were fully grown and she knew she was done anyway, but the confirmation of it i guess is always so hard to swallow. anyway, sorry about the long ramble! i love your blog by the way, and i love what you say in your profile (i am kind of in your shoes!)
i'm glad you joined us for hot for the holidays!!! make sure you don't put too much pressure on yourself though! especially being just 3 months postpartum! baby steps!!! :)

Diaper Bag Diarist said...

Thanks ladies! I'm so glad I'm not alone. I have a feeling I will eventually be able to talk my hubby into another one... once our 3 month old becomes a little more independent and he once again forgets the newborn phase!

christie... I'm very excited about hot for the holidays! I wasn't too bad today! I'm going to get a big glass of water right now!

OneRetroMama said...

I too have a 3 month old who still wakes up every 2 1/2 hours (oh when will it end!!). I had my tubes tied during delivery (3rd c-section), and am sooooo sad about it.

Why is it like the 3 month mark is when the lets have a new baby desire kicks back in??!!

So at 30 I have 3 and unless a miracle happens thats where will stay.

Jolene said...

I feel the same way. My husband is totally fine with not having any more kids, but every so often I think of having another or I feel sad about the possibility of not having another. I guess if it's meant to happen in the future, it will happen.