Dear Hubs,

Dear Hubs,

Happy birthday! I fully intended to write a witty, sweet letter to you in honor of your 31st birthday. But as it's after 4 already, the house is a mess, I haven't showered, your cake isn't decorated, Little One is stirring from her nap and the kids shared their cold with me, you'll have to take what you can get!

Thank you for dealing with all of my quirky little habits. My whining. My temper tantrums. My recipe experimentation. My craziness when I have a few too many drinks. And lots of other stuff that I can't think of right now (or am choosing to leave off of my blog so as not to look bad... hey, it's my blog, my rules).

Despite what I say about you (kidding!), you are a very sweet husband. I love that you go out at 10pm to buy me my favorite $5 wine. I love that you do sweet little things when I don't expect it. I love your sense of humor. I love that in the end, you're always there for me.

The kids wanted me to tell you that you're a wicked cool dad. Big One made up a song for you this morning while banging on my stand mixer as music. I don't remember much of it but the last line was, "And I love him very, very much." How sweet is that? He may be the master of temper tantrums but he's a sweet kid. And the way Little One looks at her Daddy? Anyone can see she's Daddy's Little Girl.

So, old man. Bottom line? We love you! We don't know what we'd do without you! And we hope your birthday is the very best ever. Even though you already know all of your presents (thanks Big One!).

Shelley & The Gang (aka Big One & Little One)

My Apologies

I'm always amused by the searches that lead people to my blog. But I feel that I owe some of you an apology. Most of you, actually. For it seems that somehow Google has led you astray by bringing you to my blog. I highly doubt that most of you found your answers. But I hope you at least found a little enjoyment! Just for the record...

To the reader looking for a Flirty Girl Pole review: I hope my assessment of the Flirty Girl Pole was in no way offensive to you. I have no actual experience with the pole, and I hope my comments didn't deter you from pursing your own Flirty Girl Pole experience. I can guarantee no one would want to see me attempt to dance myself thin, particularly with a pole involved. Perhaps I should contact the makers of the Flirty Girl Pole to see if they would like me to do a blog review/giveaway for their product. It could be big (and no, I'm not talking about my back end).

To those of you looking for directions to make your own diaper bag: Obviously, I have been of no assistance to you considering my sewing machine was used exactly 1 time before it was tucked away in the basement, never again to see the light of day.

To the visitor hoping to find a red zebra diaper bag: I am 100% certain you did not get what you bargained for when you stumbled upon my post about red zebras. All I can say is I'm sorry. Blame Google.

To the visitors looking for one of many different character diaper bags: Again, not so much what you were looking for, I suppose. I sort of feel as if I should change the name of my blog. All of these poor moms come here looking for the latest in diaper bag gear and they find... me.

To the reader who has poop too big to flush: Unfortunately, I am of no assistance here. My son prefers not to poop in the toilet. Our toilet must have enough power behind its flush because Hubs, who always seems to clog the toilet at my parents' house, doesn't have any problems here.

To the person looking for magic touch bags: I'm not sure what that is. Should I? Is it family friendly?

To the visitor searching for "mall play areas ok": If you are seeking mall play areas in Oklahoma, I can't help. If you are wondering if mall play areas are ok? That's a matter of opinion. All I can say is last week when we took the kids to the mall play area, a little girl came up to Little One and put her little hands all over my baby. As she was touching Little One's head, the other mom realized the little girl's finger was BLEEDING. I generally try to suppress my germ-o-phobe tendencies in public but that was a bit much for me to handle.
So if you don't mind blood, germs, head lice and bullies, then sure, the mall play area is ok.

To the visitors searching for diaper bag diary: Is this to say you've actually heard of me before and are looking for me? Or perhaps there is another blog with the same name and you ended up here by mistake. Either way, welcome!

To the visitor wondering if Jerry Trainer wears diapers: I have so many questions about this one. If you became a reader of my blog, please speak out! Who the heck is Jerry Trainer? And why do you want to know if he wears diapers? I must be out of the loop on this one. This was an older search but it still has me perplexed.

To the non-swimmer wanting to snorkel: Yes you can! You may not want to read about my experience ahead of time but it is possible!

The Solution to All My Problems...

Many an infomerical has caught my eye recently. The Slap Chop. The Point 'N Paint. The Pancake Puff Pan. All very handy tools which would surely get hours of use and be worth their low, low price (plus shipping & handling, of course). But tonight, the solution to all of my problems spoke to me through my television.

The Flirty Girl Pole.

It, along with the Flirty Girl Fitness Program, will melt away those last few (20) pounds of baby weight. What? Of course I don't still have baby weight at 9 months post partum. Or maybe I do. (Does it count as baby weight if the reason it's still hanging around is heavy consumption of chocolate, Mountain Dew, cheese, and bread?)

Whatever the source of my cellulite riddled thighs, the Flirty Girl Fitness Program is going to give me a "sexy, slender, fabulous" body. The best part? I'll also learn some sexy new moves for the strip dance club. Because I frequent many a strip dance club these days. Right after I nurse my 9 month old and tuck my 3 year old into bed.

On top of the sexy dance moves and hot bod, I can also get the Flirty Girl Pole. Haven't you always wanted your very own stripper fitness pole? I'm fairly certain it's every girl's secret fantasy (or maybe it's every HUSBAND'S fantasy). Now that we FINALLY took down the Christmas tree, we have an open spot in the corner of the living room. I think it's the perfect spot. Having a stripper fitness pole in my living room will definitely elevate me to the coolest mom on the block. I'm ordering mine now.

DISCLAIMER: This post is in no way meant to offend strippers, dancers, or frequent visitors to either type of club. I suppose deep down I'm a bit jealous because my weak attempts at dancing look more like I'm having a seizure.

Oh, and I really do want the Slap Chop and the Pancake Puff Pan. Seriously.

Wordless Wednesday: Crawl Baby Crawl (or Get Mad Trying)

Visit 5 Minutes for Mom for more Wordless Wednesday. Enjoy!

If You Like It...

I've been known to break into song at random times (but only in the safety of my own home... I know my limits). I'm a HORRIBLE singer but I can't help myself. Big One is my biggest fan. He often breaks into song with me or by himself. I love it! He is so much like me it's not even funny. Actually, some days it is funny. Like tonight.

I tend to get one song stuck in my head and sing it. Over and over. And generally it's just one line that I sing. Over and over. Hubs LOVES that. Just ask him. Loves it. Today it was Beyonce's If You Like It Then You Shoulda Put a Ring On It. (Is that the title? I'm not so good with song titles. I just label a song by its most prominent lyric.) I heard it on the radio on our trip to Borders and sang it most of the day.

Tonight while putting Little One to sleep, I heard Big One and Hubs next door getting his PJs on. Out of no where, I hear him sing "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it". Over and over. I'm so proud! There's nothing like hearing your 3 year old singing Beyonce to make your day!

Dusting It Off

I don't have a grand explanation for my blogging absence other than a lack of inspiration and things going on in my head. I tend to over analyze and worry about things beyond my control. Long story short, I'm forcing myself to blog again if for no other reason than the free therapy. So I'm going to get back on track with the lessons learned/top posts of the (last few) week(s). First, the lessons I learned this week:
  • Never leave a plant within reaching distance of an 8 month old, particularly one that grows in water. (The only plant we've ever been able to keep alive is a plant that grows in a vase of water. Its roots just hang out in the water. Trust me, we've tried to kill it multiple times. It's been completely dry with droopy leaves and bounces back with a little water. It's a miracle plant. Perfect for me!)
  • If you insist on leaving the baby within reaching distance of the water dwelling plant, expect to hear a loud crash followed by rushing water. Run for towels. Then laugh when you see the baby grinning proudly, clutching the leaves of the plant.
  • Never underestimate the reaching distance of an 8 month old.
  • Sometimes a family trip to Target and Petsmart is just what you need. And occasionally, even a 3 year old can last the entire trip without any temper tantrums or meltdowns. Go Big One!
  • Don't wait several weeks between posts or you'll get rusty!
Since it's been a while, I have several recommended blogs to visit!

If you're in the market for a hot British man, Christy has all the info. But this is a limited time offer so act fast!

If you need some activity ideas for your tots, visit Chasing Cheerios. I just discovered this blog this week and I LOVE what I'm seeing so far. I found several ideas that I'm excited to try with Big One.

If you want to cry, visit Jessica Kate, Tuesday's mommy. You may recall my post about Tuesday passing away a few weeks ago. I can't begin to imagine what the family is going through right now.

If you're in the mood for a happy ending (or beginning, depending on how you look at it), baby Brayden will hopefully get to leave the NICU tomorrow and finally start his life at home with his mommy and daddy! It's amazing how quickly you become emotionally invested in the lives of total strangers. I've been following Brayden's journey since his birth and I'm so thrilled for the family!

If you really believe it's a small world after all, read Kelly's story about the doctor who delivered her baby, Harper. Very cool!

If you're in the mood to bake, Little Birdie Secrets has the recipe for Amish Friendship Bread. The main reason I posted this link is because I actually received a starter for Amish Friendship Bread on Friday. I've never made it before so I'm very excited. Thanks, Joan!

If you want to be amazed, find out how Matt is spreading the word about the Liz Logelin Foundation. He made a big time TV appearance last week. I watched. I cried. Me crying? Shocking!

If you want to laugh so hard you pee your pants, visit the Barefoot Foodie to read about her mother in law's "accident". It is seriously hilarious.

If you need new art, check out Anastasia's work. She's opening up an Etsy shop!

If you're in the mood for chocolate chip cookies, try this recipe. I'm horrible at baking cookies. Cakes I can handle. Cookies? Not so much. Unless the dough is premade in convenient break apart cubes. And even then I usually burn them or underbake them. Despite my best attempts to ruin this recipe (no vanilla in the house which never happens and I baked them too long), they still tasted good. I can only imagine how they would taste if I actually had all of the ingredients and took them out before they became hard as a rock.

Whew! That list turned out longer than even I expected. I could have added several more but I'll stop there. Enjoy your week!

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I love you. I miss you. I just haven't felt the bloggy inspiration lately. It's nothing personal. The mid week migraine did not help. Little signs of an impending head cold are creeping in so our break may be extended. Really, it's not you. It's me. I mean, I know people always say that and usually they're fibbing. But you're just a blog. How can it be you? It's definitely me. And this is definitely NOT a break up. Just a break. I just don't want you to think I've completely abandoned you. I know you'll be here waiting when inspiration does spark. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. You're loyal like that. That's why I love you so much, Blog.

Warm Regards,